10 Steps To Moving Like A Poor Person.

Moving sucks.
It doesn't matter how you look at it. It just blows.
If you're wealthy enough to have all your shit packed for you, that's glorious. I'm certain you can creep me on the internet. I am accepting applications for only wealthy spouses.
Even if someone packs it, loads, unpacks, reassembles it, and takes away the mountains of bullshit used boxes and packing material, it's still super unpleasant. You just pay a lot of money for unpleasant.
If you're less wealthy, you save a couple dollars here and there and you have to pack all your own crap, move it all, then unpack it all. You pay a little less than the wealthy people, but it's really just as unpleasant.

Chances are you will move through these ten steps of moving.
May the odds be ever in your favour, friends.

1. Accept that you're moving. Choose a place that is generally to your liking.
Bonus points if you've accepted the free parental option.

2. Start pricing moving. Cry a little. Drink some wine. One less bottle to move, anyways.
You'll look at the U-Haul option. You'll convince yourself you have the skills to tow your vehicle with all your crap in the back of a truck. Tell yourself U-Haul won't mind the pet hair.
You're too poor to hire movers. Tell yourself this insanity has got to work.

3. Start collecting boxes. Get your friends to give you boxes. Leave them in a pile. Wait until you know it's getting to be too late to start packing. Open a bottle of wine. Drink it. Know what? You don't need wine glasses. Pack those. Hell, even pack the one you're drinking from. One less glass to wash, right? Drink straight from the bottle.

4. Hire movers. Because you know what? It's only a few hundred dollars more and you're no truck driver. Plus, it makes everything easier and your car can handle pet hair. Don't ever admit you've hired movers because you fear you lack the skills to manouver a U-Haul with your car attached to it at highway speeds. Agree to give them your first born child. A reasonable fee for convenience, right?
Celebrate with wine straight from the bottle. The moving guys told you they won't move the wine and you got drunk and packed your glasses... one of which is probably dirty.

5. Unpack the crap you packed in Step 3. The moving papers said you packed everything wrong. Probably because you were a couple bottles glasses in and you weren't really thinking. Plus you ran out of packing supplies and did a really crappy job. You must re-pack it all because you have no idea what you're actually doing. Wash the dirty glass you used and packed. Keep it out so you can be somewhat classy for your next packing session.

6. Go get more packing supplies. You will run out of tape so buy ALL THE TAPE. ALL OF IT. Notice bubble wrap is expensive. Start collecting newspapers.
Bonus points if you're a journalist and collecting newspapers is stupid easy.
Fail if you keep forgetting them at work.

7. Tell yourself you don't need to pack anymore until X date because you did so good in Step 3 and repacked so well in Step 5. Call the moving company and ask them how much it costs for packing. Turn down the offer because you're poor, remember? They want your second-born as well. That's unreasonable.

8. Contemplate not moving.
Drink some more wine just in case you move because the movers won't take the wine and if you do move, it's one less bottle to shove in your tiny little car. And if you don't move, you've just made one more spot for a new bottle of wine on your rack...

9. Once again, accept your move. It's happening. You can't change that. Drink another bottle glass of wine because the movers won't take your wine. Also, at this point, contemplate why the movers won't take wine because it is at risk of spilling, but wine arrives in big trucks much like the one your crap will be loaded onto for the "reasonable" fee of your first born child plus applicable taxes. At this point, you may consider selling all your belongings. You then remember that the things you need will not fit in your car because you bought a coupe five years ago. You will also once again accept your non-wine-moving movers at this point.

10. Move. Just do it.
But be sure to try and convince your movers to commit tax fraud because the province you're moving from has better taxes on their service than the province you're moving too.
When they refuse, piss and moan a bit. Complain. Tell all your friends about your first world problem and pay them your first born child.



Sorry to my first-born child. I hope you enjoy the moving company. I hear they will raise you right.
Also apologies to my liver. But I only have room for a few bottles and I wasn't raised to waste things.

xo,
Jill